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Its been a while... [Apr. 23rd, 2004|04:33 pm]
Hot Air

xontae
Have we all forgot about the community, or is the air not so hot these days?
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(no subject) [Mar. 28th, 2004|07:14 pm]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |Clockwork - Cooter]

Read more...Collapse )
Everything can't go right, and I don't ask for it too. I am willing to take shit from time to time. I am not asking for all evil to be wished on me, but taking a little for the team works for me. But I just can't to seem to win anything, or get a little luck thrown my way,. Even when I work my ass off for it. Why can't I be blessed for a short time.
I am so happy, but so unhappy all at the same time. My life is unraveling. I am really working towards better goals. I am working on better friendships as well. I am trying to separate sex from friendships also. Why is it that you have to become everyone else in order to be someone? I just don't get it. To score some serious attention and affection you have to be like everyone else. You have to have physical features to attract, and emotional characteristics to possess. Why does it feel like an endless game. Why is it a battle from day to day? These question I ask over and over to be left unanswered.
I feel I am living my life in this totally emo trend. It is just a phase everyone thinks around me, but is this really me? IS this the genre I fit into? My head butting itself over and over. The headache of reality. Why does it all have to be labeled and fine printed in life? Why when it isn't we are somehow raped and violated of some shred of our humanity? Am I making any fucking sense!?
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Apology [Feb. 15th, 2004|10:08 pm]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |War All of the Time - Thursday]

Dear Members,
I do apologize for not being an active member in the community. I work 2 jobs now in order to support myself, and have fallen victim to helping others out. I deeply feel bad for not participating. I have much neglected my own life, my personal journal, my friends, and family these last months. One thing mattered to me, and I am selfish for it all. I realize I could have helped so many others, and instead I wasted my time on a full time hardcore loser. Not for love, not for money-but I had hope. The breaking point has happened, and it has brought me to this point.
My frustrations and battles in life have taken me away from everything. I lost my cousin on February 2nd to a drunk driver, and my friend Jimmy to Hodgkin's Lymphoma Feb. 5th. I have had a hard time dealing, and coping with everything. I have withdrawn a lot and thought a lot of things over. Maybe this time all the promises I am making to myself will not be broken. I will try harder to listen to others. I feel if I can recommit myself within the next month I will keep my part in the community, if not I have no choice but to leave. It is really that simple. IT is a hard choice but why waste your time. Not that any of you care or anything, but I do. Those of you who do, thanks. I am need of support, as well of the rest of you. I guess that's why I am a part of this. Thank you for your time. Thank you Live Journal for being there, even in silence. If someone reads, it helps ease the day. In silence, or with response this has impacted my life.
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(no subject) [Nov. 26th, 2003|12:26 am]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |pissed offpissed off]

So I feel the need to vent at this point. The guy I like totally disregards my feelings. It is all a huge joke to him. The fucking pot head tried scamming me for my weed, and then brags about it and talks like I was in the wrong. Well I am going to shut him up and tell him what's what tomorrow. I am sick of him bad mouthing me. I haven't even told anyone my side of the story, unless they confronted me about the situation. He tries taking my weed from me, then tells people I am just a paranoid psycho bitch. Well guess what I am psycho, and have every right to suspect him. He thought I was asleep, when I was totally eve's dropping on him and his roommate talking about splitting my bag and selling it. I am not stupid. I watch my back. He wouldn't even give me the weed from the time we purchased it, until like 3 hours later when I had to almost beat his ass for it. Shit hit the fan, he got caught in his lies, and I got what was rightfully mine. That is all there was to it, but now he has to drag other people into it. he is going to get my 2 cents he's got coming to him, plus the $1 in left over baggage from everything that's happened these last few months.
The thing that hurts the most is his total disregard for my feelings. I am a pretty reasonable upfront girl. I don't lie, and I tell people how I feel when I feel it. Mind you I have done everything for this kid this last year, besides get him into his current living situation. I got him out of his "abusive" home, into an apartment after his first set of room mates fucked him over. Brought him to and from work, and any place he wanted. I even let him drive my car alone and he only has a permit. I Put atleast 5,000 miles on my car for this kid. And he does what? Fucks me over. I got him a better job, and talked to his ex boss when he lost that job. I have bought him groceries, cigarettes, bailed his roommate out of jail, and everything else for him. And I get what? Not a fucking thing. I never asked for anything or expected anything but respect. And now I am left with nothing.
He claimed to never lie, and he lied. He is a "feminist" and gets pissed when he find out other women are being disrespected, but did nothing but disrespect me and my wishes. I actually believed his bullshit and bought into it. He has totally fucked himself over now, because he has his coming to him. 3 times worst then he gave he has coming.
I don't know why the hell I am even typing any of this. I just hope to stop thinking about it by doing so. I hope to find some sort of closure. He just pissed me off hardcore. The worst of it all is I work with him. I will quit my job if he doesn't get fired soon. I just can not deal with him, or any of the other punk ass kids that work there either. I got mad respect for my boss, but I just can't deal with lazy ass disrespectful teenagers. I am only 20 mind you, but work is work. Its kewl to have fun and dick around once and a while, but they take shit way to far. Then they don't get their work done and I get left picking up their slack.
Back to the subject BOYS SUCK! No wonder why I only date girls now. So OK I will shut up now. I hope your days have been better then mine. Thanks for reading, or caring if you even give a shit.
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pray for what you want, work for the things you need [Sep. 3rd, 2003|03:56 am]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |enviousenvious]

When you meet someone you may or may not became attached to their presence. You may become excited and giggly and get all lusty with them right away, or you may have to cut thru some bullshit to find out who they really are, or you may walk away undecided. When I met him it was undecided. We passed eachother, made small conversation, and never really interacted. Then with another lust for someone I found myself seeking out answers about that someone. Then we grew closer somehow. We cut thru all the bullshit and lowered walls with eachother. I think the moment when he asked me a straight up no bullshit question was the spark that ignited some sort of bond. So I seen him chasing me, and enjoying my company. Now I see him being driven away by my own ways. Habits hard to break, and maturity lacking in this whole area of life. Relationships-one thing I have much to learn about.
You see I had few serious relationships, all of which were with people online. Kally, Dean, Drea-all serious but miles away. Dave was my only serious relationship in real life, but that was 6 years ago. A lot of shit has happened, and with him it felt natural. It felt like it was made to be. I haven;t had that feeling since. I never really searched for that until I met Kally, and Drea, and Dean. I tried to get that feeling with them, but I don't know if it was ever natural with them. Some sort of tragedy, or myself separated us. I went on having sex, and fucking multiple people at different stages of my life to get by. I knew I wouldn't find that feeling again. I find myself wanting that feeling with Dan. That is why I sit here and want, and wait. I look at certain moments-him asking me, the 12 o'clock lunch we had, the time I cried. I see him at full face value. At other times I don't know what to think.
I saw him following me around like a little sick lost pup, now I find myself chasing him. I don't want to drive him away with my insecurities. I don't want to drive him away with my immaturity in relationships, and friendships. I am afraid I am driving him away. The more I think about driving him away, the more I will drive him away. I want him to see me at full face value. I guess I just have to make the next move and lay it out on the plate for him to ponder instead of me for once. I want to see him doing the same thing I am doing at this very moment; analyzing the things we say to one another. Maybe my disease is thought. I think and think and think where this will all take me. I pray for a moment that will define our actions and make something of the tension I am feeling. I feel like I am sitting on something, that may or may not be there. If I open my mouth and something isn't there, rejection is the consequence. I don't want to feel rejected. IF I make the move I will have to accept that as one of the consequences. I just wish he'd make the move.
I am trying to work on myself. I try so hard, and fail because sometimes I try a little too much. I drive myself crazy sometimes and break down. He has been there for the melt down. I don't know if that scared him, or if that only drew him closer. I feel like I am stuck in my ways, no matter how much he wants to help me. HE offered me a shoulder to cry on, and I might have taken that for granted. I did take it for grated because I haven't even made an attempt to change my ways. I feel like I a morally declining as I remain myself.
With this I need to speak up and say something to him. I gotta give him the side of me I want him to see, instead of the side I am giving to him. At times I can be like this. Analytical, honest, open. At other times I just play my little role-slut, crazy, emotional. I am so torn with myself at times UI just don't know how I want him to see me. I need to be myself, and if he likes me he will make a move. If I don't do this I may push him away. That is the last thing I want to do.
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this skull fucker is honest [Aug. 26th, 2003|02:50 am]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |angryangry]
[music |so far away]]staind[[]

I spent my life verbalizing angst this last year. I keep trying to escape my past, which holds my future back. I am stuck in this state, this feeling of emptiness. I get closer to people, and interact with them-and their past makes mine seem incorporeal. I thought I had been thru some hard shit, I thought I did so much more then the rest of you, but I realize it was all petty little teenage bullshit that will never compare to others. Nothing I have done is of significance. Peoples words rape me, and I freeze. They take power over me when they open up. I want to scream and cry my past all out as they share theirs, but I am held back. I am held back by thoughts of judgment being passed. Even if their past seems worst then mine, even if I don't agree with their actions. I agree with them, claim to understand them-but I don't deep down inside this cold person I am. I believe anything I say might make them think differently of me. They might hate me, or form an opinion of me that I don't agree with. I am hindered from expressing my true feelings. I can't think right away. I don't know how to react to them, or what to say to them. I feel they may take offense to what I say. I feel they expect some sort of reaction out of me and that no matter how I react they will end up disappointed. I can't see my reaction. I almost want to look in the mirror as someone says something and watch my face react, because I feel no reaction inside. I almost want to read into them, and react the way they want me to. Then again that would not be me being myself. That would be me doing the same shit I do now.
I live my life as afterthoughts. Should have, would have, could have situations. I question my actions in the middle of, or after the consequences have been laid out. I obsess over my actions, and rape my mind of sense. The past I am growing to hate I keep reliving. I do the same thing now as I did then, but convince myself that I am different. I convince myself that I am not doing these things for the reason I do them. The things I hate about myself I can't let go of. I dare to be different, but feel the same. This feeling holds me back from changing. I do new things to feel different, but feel the same. I am the same scared little girl inside. I fail to communicate and get close to people. I fear taking chances with people because the chance I took brought me to this. This loneliness, this emptiness, and this anxiety that makes me an outsider. I don't know how to change these things, and fear changing them because maybe this is my path. Maybe I should accept who I am and what I have became and stop beating myself up and just deal with it. I don't want to change what I have done, but I want to move on from it. I want to feel differently about myself. I regret what I have made for myself, when regret is what I am totally against. I lied to myself for so long. I told myself I would never get to this point: hating myself. I realize I have hated myself for 20 years, 43 days, 22 hours, and 4 minutes [note time:1:07am]. I lived in denial. I am crazy. I have gone thru fits and said I hated myself, but fixed that feeling with denial. I have patched up so many live altering events with denial. I hate this realization that I am the same as everyone else. I am the same compulsive lying exaggerating meaningless human as the rest of you. I fill my head with beliefs, things that I feel are true to my heart-but I know it is all "Little white lies" to make me feel better about myself. I lie to myself, to the point where I believe it. Then others believe what I say, and buy into it. Then they invest themselves in me and are disappointed because I am just as human as anyone else. I hate myself, and this world I have surrounded myself with. I hate the choices I have made, even worst I REGRET. Why couldn't I have taken my own life before I came to this feeling that I am just the same as you or the next person? I hate everything, and myself. I hate this person I have become. This path I paved for myself is nothing but a path of manipulation, lies, deception, and human nature. The dark side of human nature that none of you want to hear about, or care to share. You cannot put yourself up for ridicule as I have. You cannot rape yourself over and over mentally for a crowd, until you get what you want. You cannot be me, know me, or understand me.
These tears I scream say "Someone help me," "Someone tell me something to make me feel better," "Take my pain away," and "Tell me I am not the same as them." Out of this I seek attention, love, answers, change. I seek what everyone human seeks. I hate humans I fucking hate them. When I end up with none of that I will do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day that follows that, and the day after and after and after, and this will go on until I die. This is my fear-being human. I am living my worst fears and nightmares. I hate every decision I made for myself. I hate every impulse I acted upon. I hate every choice I laid before myself. There is nobody to blame but myself, and I will do this the rest of my life. The probability of change in unknown. The probability of feeling like this the rest of my life is infinite.
I realize I played games. Games that destroyed a family, because of selfish acts. Games that have strained relationships, because of selfless acts. Games of revenge for power trips. Games of vengeance for other peoples reputations. Games of emotional torment for attention. Games of honest gossip to taint someone's reputation. Games of lying to myself, to feel happy. Games of tattle tailing to cover up what I have done. Games that lead to this. Games with no winner, and 2 losers-because I skull fucked myself and the receiving ends. I am a fucking plague, I infect and destroy.
I am human, I manipulate and twist things. I twist people into believing in me. I am so fucking useless. Nothing will change, nothing will change. I always said the only person who can change you is yourself-well thats a fuckign lie ebcause I can not change myself. I lie to myself and say I can, but I can't fight my inborn traits.
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hearing [Aug. 18th, 2003|04:43 am]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |I Will Be Heard]]hatebreed[[]

I got rid of KaaZa and got rid of all the remote host boots, for now. Just downloaded Morpheus, and found more of what I like with them so far. This has changed my mood, sorta kind. I also tried my Pepsi cure, which is helping. I hot packed the shoulder and well nothing changed with that. I am kinda hoping to hurt it again at work, so this time I go to a doctor even if its a half ass one and get pain killers and some therapy on it till it feels better enuff to bear it.
I downloaded some Hatebreed. I miss listening to hardcore. I have been listening to mostly mainstream and emo lately. Time to download some heavier shit. Time to buy some heavier shit. Commercial has became some weak. I relate to a few-Thursday, Smile Empty Soul, Deftones, 311, Incubus, The Used, and others. I listen to the words. The words I relate to. What I feel, do hear, say, did, scream, preach, live is in their lyrics. I guess they are just not extreme enuff what I am feeling right now. Maybe I am crying for a deeper darker picture to be painted in my life. I don't know. The aftermath of the K-Rock-A-Thon on my choice in music has altered my choices all together. I am a music junkie. Addicted to the core. Craving and craving and craving deeper darker sides of life. The real words that people feel, not what everyone feels. I get hot over things that I feel are "different" or "unique." IT is a way of having sex and raping the true emotions in my heart. I live for eating up other peoples pain and sufferings. I don't know-I am just weird. Any suggestions? Please I need your opinions. Yeah they might actually influence me to pick up a new CD, or download something Real that I can connect to. I am tired of "mainstream" watered down emotions. Seriously Record Executives have no fucking clue as to what people want to hear. The people do.
I am wasting all my energy being online once again. I just don't feel well enuff to do anything else. I wanna clean and shit, but I am afraid to wake up the rest of my family. Maybe I will tire out, get to bed early, and wake up early and clean and accomplish things. I am in a really shit mood, and its dragging down everything. I woke up with a headache and my shoulder aching. I just want to feel 100%, instead of like I have felt this last week. Doom is ahead of me. I know it and hate every second I have to look forward to. Maybe I am expecting the worst. I am just looking at another horrible situation with a negative attitude. I just can't feel better. I am in a horrible mood I can't kick. I am reverting to the old me. I felt it the other day when I wanted to clean, but just didn't. I am feeling lazy and lethargic and BLAH. Someone rescue me from this depressed bitchy icky mood. I want to scream, I want to cry, and I want to vomit. I just want it all to go away.
ON another note one thing went OK this weekend. My brother didn't return. Since my mother mentioned him return for just weekends, then permanently returning I have crashed. I just don't know what I am going to say or do. I never thought about my reaction to him as this new person I am becoming. Before I would just provoke war with him. This soga, this ongoing hate is a war between us. Battle after battle-and most of which no "winner" is determined. I realize I speak of how stupid war is-yet I fight an ongoing war with my own flesh and blood. His friends are so much nicer to me now. Partly because oh his being away, and maybe partly because I lowered the wall I built around myself. I am less bitchy to them. Before it was always about pissing them off and walking away the better person. I just think-some of them I can look past. I can look past them making the same mistakes over and over. I can look past their inevitable humanless hearts. Maybe I just thought the most evil of them to protect myself. Maybe I just never took the time to get to know them. I will never escape them as long as I remain in this town. Running won't escape them either. I will somehow run into them whether it is 10 days from now, or 30 years from now. They will remember me as they want. As what they "saw" me as years and years ago. Part of changing is changing peoples pre judged perceptions of me. Some will always think the same thing unless they actually see me as I am. What am I? I am myself.
This place on earth that I surround myself with is like any other place. I just have familiarized myself with these surroundings, and grew hate for them. I am trying not to "hate" so much, but shit. I just pick at these people and these situations and see how much life sucks. We fool ourselves and think "this is the only way to live." Well, I lived as they did-the drinking, drugging, defying authority, and doing as I please. I grew from that. I just don't see why they surround themselves with eachother, then they do nothing but backstab and so on. I guess remaining an outsider to every situation I have been in as developed my "higher" judgments. I guess I just think and analyze on a different level then "them." The whole thing is we will never share eachothers "perceptions" or "first impressions" of one-another. We will move on in life and speak once and a while. We will see eachothers children grow up together, and see the same cycle repeat itself. Lovely how human relations pass down with our children. There will always be that thick chalk line drawn in the playground between the "social" and "antisocial" the "cool" and "uncool." Judgment divides us from one another. What we see eachother as creates social rankings. Societies within society are created with our thoughts of one another. So many feelings I have that I want to scream. Why can't I just be heard?
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praise the world [Aug. 14th, 2003|03:47 am]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |human]

Sometimes as human beings we are so wrapped up in ourselves, we forget to acknowledge the past has brought us a great present. Sometimes I even bitch about all the mistakes that make this world a horrible place to live in, to breath in, and so on. Right now I appreciate technology and science. Think about it: Without people like Einstein and other outrageous people who questioned society we would not know as much about the world as we know today. Think about it before personal hygiene and soap and deodorant what did humans do? They bathed in just stagnate water. Doctors didn't even wash their hands 200 years ago, and they experiment with things like leaches to "cure" the sick. Look at some of the "stupid" things we did. Without experimentation and trial and error we might be where we are today. I guess our "mistakes" in the past let us make "Wiser" decisions in the future.
Just ponder on visions of not having electricity. What would you occupy your time with? No TV, no Internet, no lights after the sun set, dark gloomy eary rooms in houses with few windows. I see visions in my head-but do you? What about illiteracy? Before we had "public education" most people were illiterate, unless self tough or if you have money and power. Just think about how far we have come, and how much further we have to go. Maybe this world is still in a serious trial and error state, but then again the same mistakes for 1,000's of years are made from time to time. Maybe mother earth will outlast scientific predictions. Maybe are predictions are wrong. With knowledge we may defy what was planned for us, if there was a plan for us at all.
I realize I don't take much time to appreciate what I have. Then when I do I feel ignorant, because I don't know every simple fact and detail, or I never lived thru what people who existed before us lived thru. Events are so widespread and raped by the media we don't really experience anything first hand. Look at this whole Iraq conflict. We are not there first hand, and are painted images in our heads of what is going on over there by TV sets. Who says we can trust what we are really watching? It will take a good 10 years for people who lived the war first hand to write novels and make movies about what happened. Maybe your best friend or your husband/boyfriend/wife/girfriend fought in the war. Maybe your father or mother did. Maybe they can paint the real images of that in your head, but not everyone has that sort of first person view in their life. We depend on news papers and Media figures to "fill us in." The irony of this is I want to be a journalist. I want to take other peoples lives, and write about them. I want to in detail analyze the situations and reiterate my knowledge to the public via a communication tool. Humans are always in need of knowledge, whether it be useless gossip or something that will change the world i. We choose what we want to know, and use what we know the way we want to.
The whole purpose of this useless rambling is maybe we should all appreciate the past and present a little more. What we choose to do has an effect, not only today but in the future also. I guess I am done.
<3 XO
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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2003|11:26 pm]
Hot Air
kst3r
[music |pink floyd- time]

for some reason, the mood icons i have been using have been deleted. i had the cutest charmed icons too. :-\

anyone know where i can get some good mood icons? im far too lazy to make my own. haha.
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newbie [Aug. 13th, 2003|09:53 pm]
Hot Air

xontae
[mood |bouncybouncy]
[music |The Bitter Pill]]dashboard confessional[[]

Hiyaz. Found this community thru the community_promo. I have a community of my own for ranting, randomness, politics, kittens, rainbows-whatever. Anything's welcome. Its just 3 people now, but I am hoping to promote it some and recruit. I just ask for open minded people who refrain from "trashing" others-friendly debate is welcome :). My community is called x_s_and_o_s . With that said this community seems like is bears the same concept. Well, Check out my user info, my web page-whatever. I am a pretty open and honest girl. Thanx <3 XO
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