||[Aug. 18th, 2003|04:43 am]
|||||I Will Be Heard]]hatebreed[[||]|
I got rid of KaaZa and got rid of all the remote host boots, for now. Just downloaded Morpheus, and found more of what I like with them so far. This has changed my mood, sorta kind. I also tried my Pepsi cure, which is helping. I hot packed the shoulder and well nothing changed with that. I am kinda hoping to hurt it again at work, so this time I go to a doctor even if its a half ass one and get pain killers and some therapy on it till it feels better enuff to bear it.
I downloaded some Hatebreed. I miss listening to hardcore. I have been listening to mostly mainstream and emo lately. Time to download some heavier shit. Time to buy some heavier shit. Commercial has became some weak. I relate to a few-Thursday, Smile Empty Soul, Deftones, 311, Incubus, The Used, and others. I listen to the words. The words I relate to. What I feel, do hear, say, did, scream, preach, live is in their lyrics. I guess they are just not extreme enuff what I am feeling right now. Maybe I am crying for a deeper darker picture to be painted in my life. I don't know. The aftermath of the K-Rock-A-Thon on my choice in music has altered my choices all together. I am a music junkie. Addicted to the core. Craving and craving and craving deeper darker sides of life. The real words that people feel, not what everyone feels. I get hot over things that I feel are "different" or "unique." IT is a way of having sex and raping the true emotions in my heart. I live for eating up other peoples pain and sufferings. I don't know-I am just weird. Any suggestions? Please I need your opinions. Yeah they might actually influence me to pick up a new CD, or download something Real that I can connect to. I am tired of "mainstream" watered down emotions. Seriously Record Executives have no fucking clue as to what people want to hear. The people do.
I am wasting all my energy being online once again. I just don't feel well enuff to do anything else. I wanna clean and shit, but I am afraid to wake up the rest of my family. Maybe I will tire out, get to bed early, and wake up early and clean and accomplish things. I am in a really shit mood, and its dragging down everything. I woke up with a headache and my shoulder aching. I just want to feel 100%, instead of like I have felt this last week. Doom is ahead of me. I know it and hate every second I have to look forward to. Maybe I am expecting the worst. I am just looking at another horrible situation with a negative attitude. I just can't feel better. I am in a horrible mood I can't kick. I am reverting to the old me. I felt it the other day when I wanted to clean, but just didn't. I am feeling lazy and lethargic and BLAH. Someone rescue me from this depressed bitchy icky mood. I want to scream, I want to cry, and I want to vomit. I just want it all to go away.
ON another note one thing went OK this weekend. My brother didn't return. Since my mother mentioned him return for just weekends, then permanently returning I have crashed. I just don't know what I am going to say or do. I never thought about my reaction to him as this new person I am becoming. Before I would just provoke war with him. This soga, this ongoing hate is a war between us. Battle after battle-and most of which no "winner" is determined. I realize I speak of how stupid war is-yet I fight an ongoing war with my own flesh and blood. His friends are so much nicer to me now. Partly because oh his being away, and maybe partly because I lowered the wall I built around myself. I am less bitchy to them. Before it was always about pissing them off and walking away the better person. I just think-some of them I can look past. I can look past them making the same mistakes over and over. I can look past their inevitable humanless hearts. Maybe I just thought the most evil of them to protect myself. Maybe I just never took the time to get to know them. I will never escape them as long as I remain in this town. Running won't escape them either. I will somehow run into them whether it is 10 days from now, or 30 years from now. They will remember me as they want. As what they "saw" me as years and years ago. Part of changing is changing peoples pre judged perceptions of me. Some will always think the same thing unless they actually see me as I am. What am I? I am myself.
This place on earth that I surround myself with is like any other place. I just have familiarized myself with these surroundings, and grew hate for them. I am trying not to "hate" so much, but shit. I just pick at these people and these situations and see how much life sucks. We fool ourselves and think "this is the only way to live." Well, I lived as they did-the drinking, drugging, defying authority, and doing as I please. I grew from that. I just don't see why they surround themselves with eachother, then they do nothing but backstab and so on. I guess remaining an outsider to every situation I have been in as developed my "higher" judgments. I guess I just think and analyze on a different level then "them." The whole thing is we will never share eachothers "perceptions" or "first impressions" of one-another. We will move on in life and speak once and a while. We will see eachothers children grow up together, and see the same cycle repeat itself. Lovely how human relations pass down with our children. There will always be that thick chalk line drawn in the playground between the "social" and "antisocial" the "cool" and "uncool." Judgment divides us from one another. What we see eachother as creates social rankings. Societies within society are created with our thoughts of one another. So many feelings I have that I want to scream. Why can't I just be heard?