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this skull fucker is honest [Aug. 26th, 2003|02:50 am]
Hot Air


[mood |angryangry]
[music |so far away]]staind[[]

I spent my life verbalizing angst this last year. I keep trying to escape my past, which holds my future back. I am stuck in this state, this feeling of emptiness. I get closer to people, and interact with them-and their past makes mine seem incorporeal. I thought I had been thru some hard shit, I thought I did so much more then the rest of you, but I realize it was all petty little teenage bullshit that will never compare to others. Nothing I have done is of significance. Peoples words rape me, and I freeze. They take power over me when they open up. I want to scream and cry my past all out as they share theirs, but I am held back. I am held back by thoughts of judgment being passed. Even if their past seems worst then mine, even if I don't agree with their actions. I agree with them, claim to understand them-but I don't deep down inside this cold person I am. I believe anything I say might make them think differently of me. They might hate me, or form an opinion of me that I don't agree with. I am hindered from expressing my true feelings. I can't think right away. I don't know how to react to them, or what to say to them. I feel they may take offense to what I say. I feel they expect some sort of reaction out of me and that no matter how I react they will end up disappointed. I can't see my reaction. I almost want to look in the mirror as someone says something and watch my face react, because I feel no reaction inside. I almost want to read into them, and react the way they want me to. Then again that would not be me being myself. That would be me doing the same shit I do now.
I live my life as afterthoughts. Should have, would have, could have situations. I question my actions in the middle of, or after the consequences have been laid out. I obsess over my actions, and rape my mind of sense. The past I am growing to hate I keep reliving. I do the same thing now as I did then, but convince myself that I am different. I convince myself that I am not doing these things for the reason I do them. The things I hate about myself I can't let go of. I dare to be different, but feel the same. This feeling holds me back from changing. I do new things to feel different, but feel the same. I am the same scared little girl inside. I fail to communicate and get close to people. I fear taking chances with people because the chance I took brought me to this. This loneliness, this emptiness, and this anxiety that makes me an outsider. I don't know how to change these things, and fear changing them because maybe this is my path. Maybe I should accept who I am and what I have became and stop beating myself up and just deal with it. I don't want to change what I have done, but I want to move on from it. I want to feel differently about myself. I regret what I have made for myself, when regret is what I am totally against. I lied to myself for so long. I told myself I would never get to this point: hating myself. I realize I have hated myself for 20 years, 43 days, 22 hours, and 4 minutes [note time:1:07am]. I lived in denial. I am crazy. I have gone thru fits and said I hated myself, but fixed that feeling with denial. I have patched up so many live altering events with denial. I hate this realization that I am the same as everyone else. I am the same compulsive lying exaggerating meaningless human as the rest of you. I fill my head with beliefs, things that I feel are true to my heart-but I know it is all "Little white lies" to make me feel better about myself. I lie to myself, to the point where I believe it. Then others believe what I say, and buy into it. Then they invest themselves in me and are disappointed because I am just as human as anyone else. I hate myself, and this world I have surrounded myself with. I hate the choices I have made, even worst I REGRET. Why couldn't I have taken my own life before I came to this feeling that I am just the same as you or the next person? I hate everything, and myself. I hate this person I have become. This path I paved for myself is nothing but a path of manipulation, lies, deception, and human nature. The dark side of human nature that none of you want to hear about, or care to share. You cannot put yourself up for ridicule as I have. You cannot rape yourself over and over mentally for a crowd, until you get what you want. You cannot be me, know me, or understand me.
These tears I scream say "Someone help me," "Someone tell me something to make me feel better," "Take my pain away," and "Tell me I am not the same as them." Out of this I seek attention, love, answers, change. I seek what everyone human seeks. I hate humans I fucking hate them. When I end up with none of that I will do this again tomorrow, and the next day, and the day that follows that, and the day after and after and after, and this will go on until I die. This is my fear-being human. I am living my worst fears and nightmares. I hate every decision I made for myself. I hate every impulse I acted upon. I hate every choice I laid before myself. There is nobody to blame but myself, and I will do this the rest of my life. The probability of change in unknown. The probability of feeling like this the rest of my life is infinite.
I realize I played games. Games that destroyed a family, because of selfish acts. Games that have strained relationships, because of selfless acts. Games of revenge for power trips. Games of vengeance for other peoples reputations. Games of emotional torment for attention. Games of honest gossip to taint someone's reputation. Games of lying to myself, to feel happy. Games of tattle tailing to cover up what I have done. Games that lead to this. Games with no winner, and 2 losers-because I skull fucked myself and the receiving ends. I am a fucking plague, I infect and destroy.
I am human, I manipulate and twist things. I twist people into believing in me. I am so fucking useless. Nothing will change, nothing will change. I always said the only person who can change you is yourself-well thats a fuckign lie ebcause I can not change myself. I lie to myself and say I can, but I can't fight my inborn traits.