|pray for what you want, work for the things you need
||[Sep. 3rd, 2003|03:56 am]
When you meet someone you may or may not became attached to their presence. You may become excited and giggly and get all lusty with them right away, or you may have to cut thru some bullshit to find out who they really are, or you may walk away undecided. When I met him it was undecided. We passed eachother, made small conversation, and never really interacted. Then with another lust for someone I found myself seeking out answers about that someone. Then we grew closer somehow. We cut thru all the bullshit and lowered walls with eachother. I think the moment when he asked me a straight up no bullshit question was the spark that ignited some sort of bond. So I seen him chasing me, and enjoying my company. Now I see him being driven away by my own ways. Habits hard to break, and maturity lacking in this whole area of life. Relationships-one thing I have much to learn about.
You see I had few serious relationships, all of which were with people online. Kally, Dean, Drea-all serious but miles away. Dave was my only serious relationship in real life, but that was 6 years ago. A lot of shit has happened, and with him it felt natural. It felt like it was made to be. I haven;t had that feeling since. I never really searched for that until I met Kally, and Drea, and Dean. I tried to get that feeling with them, but I don't know if it was ever natural with them. Some sort of tragedy, or myself separated us. I went on having sex, and fucking multiple people at different stages of my life to get by. I knew I wouldn't find that feeling again. I find myself wanting that feeling with Dan. That is why I sit here and want, and wait. I look at certain moments-him asking me, the 12 o'clock lunch we had, the time I cried. I see him at full face value. At other times I don't know what to think.
I saw him following me around like a little sick lost pup, now I find myself chasing him. I don't want to drive him away with my insecurities. I don't want to drive him away with my immaturity in relationships, and friendships. I am afraid I am driving him away. The more I think about driving him away, the more I will drive him away. I want him to see me at full face value. I guess I just have to make the next move and lay it out on the plate for him to ponder instead of me for once. I want to see him doing the same thing I am doing at this very moment; analyzing the things we say to one another. Maybe my disease is thought. I think and think and think where this will all take me. I pray for a moment that will define our actions and make something of the tension I am feeling. I feel like I am sitting on something, that may or may not be there. If I open my mouth and something isn't there, rejection is the consequence. I don't want to feel rejected. IF I make the move I will have to accept that as one of the consequences. I just wish he'd make the move.
I am trying to work on myself. I try so hard, and fail because sometimes I try a little too much. I drive myself crazy sometimes and break down. He has been there for the melt down. I don't know if that scared him, or if that only drew him closer. I feel like I am stuck in my ways, no matter how much he wants to help me. HE offered me a shoulder to cry on, and I might have taken that for granted. I did take it for grated because I haven't even made an attempt to change my ways. I feel like I a morally declining as I remain myself.
With this I need to speak up and say something to him. I gotta give him the side of me I want him to see, instead of the side I am giving to him. At times I can be like this. Analytical, honest, open. At other times I just play my little role-slut, crazy, emotional. I am so torn with myself at times UI just don't know how I want him to see me. I need to be myself, and if he likes me he will make a move. If I don't do this I may push him away. That is the last thing I want to do.